Twilight IM
by 13oClock
Summary: Way too many of these, I know. I was bored. So what's with the Bumble beans? Abusive Stuffed Snake? Old people farts? Really long bellybuttons? This can't be good. Weirdest thing is...they're all based on real experiences!
1. Giant Iguanas and Public Washrooms

1**I wrote this cause I was bored.**

_Bella has signed on_

_Edward has signed on_

Bella: EDWARDDD!

Edward: Yes, love?

Bella: GIANT IGUANAS ARE ATTACKING PUBLIC WASHROOMS WITH SPACESHIPS AND SPOONS!

Edward: Relax, Bella, there are no giant iguanas.

Bella: GIVE ME YOUR SOCKS!

Edward: What?

Bella: I SAID GIVE ME YOUR SOCKS!

Edward: Why?

Bella: AS A SHIELD TO SAVE ME FROM THE GIANT IGUANAS IN SPACESHIPS WITH SPOONS!

_Emmet has signed on_

Emmet: Giant iguanas! WHERE!?

Bella: IN PUBLIC WASHROOMS!

Emmet: AHH! GIVE ME YOU SOCKS!

Bella: I AM NOT WEARING SOCKS!

Emmet: EDWARDDD! GIVE ME YOU SOCKS!

Edward: NO!

_Edward has signed off_

Bella: AHH!

Emmet: AHH!

Bob: AHH!

Bella: Where did you come from?

Bob: THE PUBLIC WASHROOM THAT IS BEING ATTACKED BY GIANT IGUANAS WITH SPACESHIPS AND SPOONS! GIVE ME YOUR SOCKS!

Bella and Emmet: WE ARE NOT WEARING SOCKS!

Everyone: AHHHHHHHH!


	2. Old People

1**Ok here's chapter 2.**

_Alice has signed on_

_Bella has signed on_

Bella: Alice! Save me!

Alice: From what?

Bella: Old people farts!

Alice: Oh my! Not old people farts!

Bella: Yes! That's what I said!

Alice: What do we do?

Bella: Put dish soap on their butts!

Alice: Good idea! You get some dish soap and I'll come pick you up!

Bella: Okay! And we'll need some sponges and wash cloths.

_Jasper has signed on_

Jasper: What are you guys doing?

Bella: Giving old people mega bubble baths to cure their stinky fartness!

_Emmett has signed on_

Emmett: OOH! Can I help! Pretty please!

Alice: Sure! Get some sponges!

Jasper: ...

_Jasper has signed off_


	3. Bumble Beans

1**This chapter was based on stupid things my Nana has said. I hope it doesn't suck...**

**I do not own Twilight**

_Bella has signed on_

_Edward has signed on_

Bella: I found this bean recipe. Wanna hear about it?

Edward: Sure. Tell me about your bean recipe.

Bella: Ok, well first you take the bumble beans...

Edward: You mean bumble bees?

Bella: No. Eww...Who would eat bumble bees?

Edward: Well then what are 'bumble beans'?

Bella: OOH! I found a crepe recipe!

Edward: Does it involve beans named after flying insects?

Bella: I wonder if I should put strawberries on top. Would that be good? Strawberries on crap?

Edward: You mean crepe?

Bella: What's the difference...?

Bella: Hush little baby don't say a word momma's gonna buy mockingbird if that mockingbird don't sing momma's gonna buy you a cherry flavored foot!

Edward: OOH! Buying things?

Bella: Edward?

Edward: No, this is Alice The Magnificent. I stole the keyboard when I saw the word 'buy' which reminded me of...you get the point, right? But I think we should buy clothes and not cherry flavored feet...

Bella: NOOO! Throws bumble beans at Alice

Edward: You mean bumble bees? And by the way...I AM NOT ALICE! I AM ALICE THE MAGNIFICENT!

Bella: Okay, okay. Throws bumble beans at Alice The Magnificent

**Wow. That sucked.**


	4. VERY IMPORTANT! READ!

1**Sorry. Not a chapter. I just wanted to tell you guys that I changed my PenName from** **Pineapplezz to Rainbowzz. I also wanted to say thanks to my 3 reviewers! I'm also really really really happy that some of these reviewers happen to be in my favorite authors list! When I read those 3 reviews I started bouncing up and down screaming "MOMMY! I GOT REVIEWS!". Seriously, just ask my mom. She just came back from some 80-year-old's birthday party. Hold on. I have to ask her if she had fun with the old ladies. Anyway, I was planning on updating today but I didn't have time. Well actually I did, but I was too lazy and I can't update right now 'cause my mom is about to tell me to get off the computer even though it's only 10:30 pm. So...Goodnight. Or if you live on the other side of the world then good morning. Whichever you prefer. BYE-BYE!**


	5. Bellybuttons

1**So I'm sitting here in front of my computer drinking pop, eating candy and listening to music. Ahh...life is good**. **Anyway, I remembered that I haven't updated in a couple of days and I'm like "Must...update...must...update..." so...here it is!**

**I do not own Twilight.**

**Okay, this isn't working. I've been sitting here for way over twenty minutes...**

**...I'm am starting on 3. 1...2...3!**

_Emmett has signed on_

_Edward has signed on_

Emmett: Hey Edward, I knew this kid once. He had a really long bellybutton and all the other kids would play jump rope with it**. **People would always be poking it. It was so cool!

_Bella has signed on_

Bella: -Starts to cry- NOOO! STUPID SQUIRRELS!

Edward: Bella, what's wrong?

Bella: I g-got a blowup p-pool but at the m-middle of the night I h-heard a "KABOOM!" and...and...and...

Emmett: NO! NOT A "KABOOM!"

Bella: YES! A "KABOOM!". A-anyway I go outside and big s-squirrel-ish thing r-ruin my p-pool!

Edward: We can go out and find a new pool. Don't worry.

Bella: But S-steve was s-special!

Emmett: YA EDWARD! How could you be so non-sentive-ish?!

Edward: Emmett.

Emmett: Mm-hmm?

Edward: You're an idiot.

_Edward has signed out_

**Pretty short chapter. Oh well. Please review! **


	6. Fairies and Ninjas

**I...am...happy! Why? Because I went from 6 reviews to 21 reviews in a couple of days. Even if not all of them were good reviews, I am still happy. I am now...(drumroll) SUPER HAPPY!**

**I will never own Twilight. Ever. I'm sad now. Boo-hoo.**

_Bella has signed on_

_Edward has signed on_

Bella: Edward...I had a weird dream...

Edward: I know. You said some very strange things...I'm sitting right next to you, why can't you be speaking to me instead of typing?

Bella:'Cause Charlie will wake up.

Edward: I'm sure Charlie is wide awake at 2 am...

Bella: HE IS?

Edward: No, Bella. I was joking.

Bella: Anyway, I was at your house when a ugly guy who looked like Emmett ran up to you and said "EDWARD! I HAVE OH SO MAGICALLY TURNED...HUMAN!" and then a 6-year-old Alice with fairy wings came and said "AND I HAVE OH SO MAGICALLY TURNED INTO A MAGICAL FAIRY!" and then Rosalie said "My husband has turned into a ugly, weak, stupid...hum-" but I interrupted and said "HEY!" and then you said " But Bella, you're not human...YOU'RE A TENNIS RACKET!" and then I turned into a tennis racket but Alice snapped her fingers and made me turn into a Webkinz elephant and then a ninja jumped out and said "I AM THE NINJA NAMED...NINA!" and then Emmett said "Dun dun dun dun..."and then everyone turned into Barbecues and then I woke up. The End.

Edward:...Okay then...Maybe you should get some sleep...

Bella: OKIE DOKIE!

**Pretty short chapter. I was ok, I guess.**


	7. Baby boys and The Tooth Fairy

**Okie dokie.**

**I like cheese, but sadly I do not own Twilight.**

_Bella has signed on_

_Edward has signed on_

Bella: Guess what!

Edward: Must I remind you that I cannot read your mind?

Bella: YES! Anywhoo, I am gonna give birth to a baby boyyyyyy!

Edward: WHAT?! HOW? WHEN?

Bella: How? Cause I wanted to so the Tooth Fairy gave me one wish. When? As we speak. Or type.

Edward: I'm standing right in front of you. You can't trick me, Bella..

Bella: You don't believe me? -Frown-

Edward: Fine. I believe you.

Bella: HA HA! HAPPY APRIL FOOLS DAY!

Edward: It's July.

Bella: Fine then, Ed-wort. Be that way!

**I just wanna say congrats to my best friend's dad's girlfriend who is gonna be giving birth to a baby boy in a couple of hours! So...CONGRATS! **


	8. Snapple

**I just wanna say something to my reviewers: You rock and you all deserve E-hugs and E-chocolate**! **THANK YA!**

**Think it's quite obvious, but just in case, I DO NOT OWN TWILIGHT! **

**LOCATION:**

**At the hospital for some random reason...**

_Bella has signed on_

_Edward has signed on_

Bella: ED-WORTTTTTTTTTTTTTTTTTTTTTTTTTTTT!?

Edward: Yes?

Bella: THE hospital (notice the awesomeness on the THE) makes me thirsty. Got any water?

Edward: How does the smell of sick and dead people make you thirsty? Here's A Snapple Lemonade.

Bella: OMC! I just noticed something...

Bella: They call it Snapple 'cause the cap makes a snap-py-ish noise! WATCH!

Edward: You mean listen?

Bella: Duh. Gosh, ED-WORT!

**Ha ha. When I went the hospital to see the newborn baby (which is totally adorable) my friend said the hospital made her hungry and I just noticed the Snapple thing.**


	9. Frozen Marios

**Quick update cause I'm on an airplane. **

_Bella has signed on_

_Alice has signed on_

Bella: Alice! Super Mario rox my non-existing sox!

Alice: Yup. He's totally full of awesomeness. AWESOMENESS, I TELL YOU!

Bella: YEAH! And then Princess Peach is all "PEACH! I'M NAMED AFTER A FRUIT! HA HA!"

Alice: Totally. …And I just realized you don't have socks! TO ZE MALL!

Bella: NO! –Throws Nintendo DS at Alice (the magnificent, of course)-

Alice: Where'd that come from?

Bella: The fridge. FROZEN MARIOS!

Alice: Hey, I wonder why those old people kept running away from us! We were just trying to help!

Bella: OMC! Just realized something…YOU'RE AN OLD PERSON! I guess I'm just extremely boring…I hang out with old dudes. :-(

Alice: -GASP-

**I'm soo bored. That one really sucked. Bleh.**


	10. Booties

Bored to tears

**Bored to tears. **

**I do own Twilight…Wait I forgot a word: not.**

_Bellalalala has signed on_

_AliceTheMagnificientOldPerson has signed on_

Bellalalala: Alice (the magnificent old person)! Save me from the horrid karaoke show!

AliceTheMagnificientOldPerson: OF COURSE! But not until we change our names again.

BellaBigBooty: Happy?

AliceAwesomeAss: Hmm…something else.

BellaBumbleBean: This?

AliceActsAdult-ish: Nah.

BellaBlahBlah: CHOOSE ALREADY!

:AliceInsane: How bout we stick to originals?

Bella: Finally. Now get your Alice Awesome Ass over here!

Alice: I've been here for 15 min. Whoops, forgot to knock.

**Boooring. I'm starting to suck at this. Please, please read my other story!**


End file.
